January 26, 2010

By Vonda Skelton

Posted in: Christian Living | Interviews

Interview and Book Give Away with Deborah Dunn

debdunnheadshotIt's almost Valentine's Day, so love is in the air - or is it? According to my dear friend and southern sister, Deborah Dunn, it may not be love. In her book, Stupid About Men: 10 Rules for Getting Romance Right, Deb helps women learn how to make good choices in men. Deb is a licensed family and marriage therapist, as well as an author and speaker. She's also the founder of the Southern Christian Women's Conferences, and I'm honored to be part of the Southern Sisters Team!

Deb and her husband, Rick, live in NC and have been married since 1969. They have two children and a beautiful granddaughter.

You can find out more about Deb, her books, and her ministries at her website. And be sure to visit the Southern Christian Women's website to learn how you can bring the conference to your community.

Want your own autographed copy of Stupid About Men? Just leave a comment and you'll be entered in the drawing. Even if you've gotten romance right, perhaps you know someone else who could learn from Deb's wisdom.

I realize that some of you may want to leave a personal-experience comment, but don't want your name listed. If that's the case, please simply email me with your comment and I'll post it anonymously. You'll still be entered in the drawing and no one will know who posed the comment. 

And because this is the time when "love" is in the air, I've expanded this interview to include even more helpful information.

Vonda: Okay, let's get started. First of all, Deb, as one who apparently did get romance right, what led you to write the book, Stupid About Men?

Deb: I've noticed this disturbing trend in my therapy practice, and it's an addiction to romance. Romance is a drug that prevents women from having to deal with the tougher issues in their life like getting an education, managing money, the fear of being alone, aging, finances, dealing with stress, problems with their children, and many other important life challenges. It's an avoidance that's very similar to how men use sex. With the rise in men's addiction to pornography and Internet sex, I've seen an equivalent rise in women's focus on and cravings for the ultimate romantic experience. We all want that to a degree, but that's not the primary goal of long-term relationships. Unfortunately, much of the romance we read (even Christian romance), the movies, and the fairy tales we were read as children perpetuate that myth.

Vonda: So, are you saying that it's wrong to want to fall in love and marry?

Deb: Absolutely not! God wants us to find love, marry, and have children. But when we let our romantic feelings get in the way of wise mate choices--when we make decisions with our hearts only and not our heads--then we get in trouble, especially if we marry too young before we know who we really are or before we matured and learned how to stand on our own two feet. If we marry too young because our hormones are in control and not God, then we risk missing the opportunity of getting an education, developing independently as whole beings, and finding what it is we really want (and what God wants) for our lives.

Vonda: Okay, I know you, so I already know the answer to this question, but I'll ask it anyway: Are you saying that women in general are stupid?

Deb: No way! Stupid behavior don't mean women are stupid, but that they are making irrational choices that throw caution to the wind and don't take into account all the consequences. The warning signs are there but we let our romantic feelings override. We indulge in magical thinking; taking risks in the name of love, and promise to love a man for life without looking critically at him and what we are doing BEFORE we marry him.

Vonda: Why do you use fairytale narratives, referencing characters like Cinderella and Snow White, and how do they relate to some of the most common mistakes women make?

Deb: Well, its fun, for one thing, and we can all relate to them, for another. But the problem is that we relate to them too much. We have allowed them to be a model for femininity in our lives, when in actuality, they should be cautionary tales about what we shouldn't do at all!

Vonda: Can you be more specific?

Deb: Sure. We all know Cinderella's game. And Little Red Riding Hood - my heavens, the girl went into the forest wearing that sassy red cape, carrying a basket of goodies. Where was her mother and why did she dare think she could talk to a wolf? That hussy Rapunzel lets down her hair (a sexual metaphor by the way) for the first guy who gets her out of the tower. Snow White sleeps her life away with food or drugs or television until a man comes along and wakes her up. Or there is Wendy, who adopts lost boys and thinks she can mother them to death and turn them into suitable partners.

Vonda: Ha ha! I have to admit, I've never thought of the princesses' actions in quite that way! So, why do you think women are more likely to buy into the love-will-conquer-all myth?

Deb: We've been taught that somehow the power of our love can change anything, which is true for women of faith. But we've confused the power of God's love with our own sexual love. We've fallen for the "all you need is love..." myth. Relationships and marriage require a whole lot more than romantic love!

Vonda: Oh, how well I know that! I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband, stupidaboutmen but it still takes work on both our parts. That leads me to this question: Why do women stay in bad relationships?

Deb: Women are naturally rescuers and nurturers. We are biologically wired to give the benefit of the doubt and to give "second chances." We need to nest and bond. Once we women fall in love with someone, we tend to want stay with that person because we are biologically wired to mate for life. When we have a man who feels the same way, we should feel cherished, especially if they treat us well. (We just have to make sure we're treating them well also.)

But because of this natural instinct on the part of women, we sometimes tend to stay much longer than we should in abusive, unhealthy situations and have great difficulty ending relationships with men, even when they are bad for us.

If we are with men who mistreat us, are cruel, abusive, emotionally or physically, then we need to leave them and get help. Staying with them only teaches them they can get away with bad behaviors.

There is nothing godly, Christian, or scriptural about staying with a man who continues to degrade us, in spite of what some churches may tell you. God does not call us to be martyrs for love of a man; only for love of Him. Most abusive men actually keep us from being godly or from serving God at all for that matter. We are too busy simply trying to survive.

Vonda: Do you think some women are particularly vulnerable to rescuing and taking care of other people, especially unhealthy, abusive, manipulative men?

Deb: Yes, there are women who confuse being needed with being loved, and only feel valued as long as they have lots of other people who depend on them. But the problem is that they never get their needs met in return. That's classic co-dependence, which is typical with the oldest child in a family, adults who had to take care of siblings as they were growing up, or with those who've had emotionally unstable parents. Sometimes they simply have an overabundance of nurturing instinct.

Vonda: As the oldest child, I can certainly identify with that! Okay, let's change gears here. Do you think women are more afraid than men of being alone?

Deb: Yes, I do. For thousands of years we've been financially dependent upon men, and we've been programmed to believe that our worth as human beings is correlated with having a man who takes care of us. That's taught by the major world religions, the media, and marketing. Unfortunately that means if she doesn't have a man, she interprets that as a sign that she hasn't proven her worth either to the world or to herself. For women of faith, they may secretly feel being alone as God having forgotten them, which is a lie of the enemy.

Vonda: So where should a woman start if she wants to stop being stupid with men?

Deb: She needs to go on a man-diet for a while if she is single. If she is married she needs to quit focusing on men as being the problem and look to her own issues. She has to stop assuaging fear with yet another romance, either the ones found in books or that cute guy sitting in the church pew she secretly has a crush on. She certainly shouldn't fall into the trap of using one man to get over another. That's a recipe for disaster. Relationship difficulties are not always just being with the wrong person; it might be about knowing how to be with a man of any kind.

The generally accepted wisdom is that it takes at least two years to resolve emotions and conflicts and feelings related to the breakup of a serious relationship. If you don't address your issues and do some changing yourself, then you just bring the same issues into the next relationship. Look at other ways to increase your self-esteem and be honest about how you might be using men to avoid serious developmental tasks, like going back to school, getting a better job or taking care of your children. Resolve your issues with your parents and your ex before you move on. Stop looking at men as the answers to your problems in life. Allow God to help you solve your problems, and then He might bless you with a good man, or start working in the heart of the man you already have!

Vonda: What great words of advice, Deb! Thank you for writing this much-needed book, and thank you for sharing your insights with us today.

And remember, readers, simply leave a comment and you'll be in the drawing for a free copy of Deb's book! Be sure to come back next week to see if you're the winner. In the meantime, I know there are women in our lives who need this book--YOU may need this book! Don't wait.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maybe today you're going through a conflict with your significant other. Maybe you have more questions than answers right now about what you're supposed to do in a situation with your mate, your children, your job, or your ministry. I'm thankful that we serve a God of peace.

May the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. 2 Thessalonians 3:16

Let's seek His peace and His wisdom, whatever we're facing this week.

I pray God's blessing on the work of your hands and your hearts,

Vonda

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18 Comments

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#1 Lynn N

Such great comments for both the married and the single. I was content single and then met my husband. It took a long time to better understand the proper role of a husband in my life. 'Happily ever after' only happens after lots of work on both sides.

#2 Vonda Skelton

Amen, sister! :-)

#3 Dianne Merritt

Terry and I have been married going on 42 years. We have had 40 wonderful years of marriage. There was 2 years that we went through a trying time. During that time, I lost my dad, my daughter was graduating from high school and Terry had started a new company.

The company became his mistress. I started having some female issues. Terry's answer was handle it yourself, it is not my problem. I tried but to no avail. Through talking with doctors and much prayer, I was told that I needed surgery; and to Terry it was his problem as much as it was mine.

Needless to say, we got back on the right track. Somewhere during those 2 years, GOD became second in our lives. We thought we could handle it ourselves. Of course, we prayed, but not for him to help us, but for him to show us how we can help ourselves. That did not work.

Things started going wrong in his new company. We got to the bottom and the only way out was to look up. What a blessing. Terry closed the business, we got right with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Our marriage is wonderful. We have other issues ahead of us now. Terry was laid off from his work going on 3 years. He is picking up jobs here and there. He is a truck driver and has another part time job also. GOD is suppling us with our needs and carring us. We don't live the life style we used to, but that is okay. We have so much to be thankful for. We have GOD first, then each other, family and friends. GOD IS GREAT.

#4 Vonda Skelton

Dianne, thank you for your transparency. Gary and I went through some hard years, too. As a matter of fact, admitting those hardships was what began my speaking ministry back in 1998. I had no idea what God had in store. Oh, how He can use us when we're willing to admit that we can't do it on our own! And then...to be willing to share what we've learned with others. Those years weren't pretty, but what He's done with them is absolutely beautiful!

God bless you, my sweet friend. (And tell Terry hello for me!)

V

#5 Abi

This looks like a book I need my teenage daughters to read. Love to win it. Thanks

#6 Cindy Jones — http://www.chapters-of-hope.com/

OK- I need one, my sister needs one, my sister-in-law needs one, my best friend needs one and my mom definitely needs one! I grew up under a very abusive step-father that I thought my mom just loved more than me. I realize now- that I am older- that there were many other issues going on. How sad that a woman not only suffers but their kids too, when they stay with a man that does nothing at all for them. Also, this was helpful for my writing in the Christian romance field. I believe if I do not win, I will purchase one and use what I learn in my writing. Thanks for a great interview! Cindy Jones

#7 Beth Fortune

What great advice! With a daughter in her third year of college and seeking God's will and direction, this would be a great book for her. Wish I had had this wisdom poured into me as a young teen and young adult! Thank you Deborah for sharing your knowledge with others.

#8 Emme

I really enjoyed the good insight Deb gave us. It's so easy for we women to fall into the trap of trying desperately to be needed and valued ~ to our own detriment.

#9 Christina Arthur

I was in two marriages. The first ended with 2 children after 5 1/2 years. He was all for himself. It was an awful marriage. I was responsible for everything. The second marriage ended after 33 years. He was an mental and emotional abuser. We had two children from this marriage as well. He liked to drink and party with his friends. I basically raised all 4 children, did things for them and with them, worked 40 or so hours a week, took them to the nursery and did everything around the house. I had no help from him at all. I wanted this marriage to work so I tried so hard. I talked to pastors who advised me it would be OK to leave. I had to have God tell me it was OK and finally He did. I let my husband steal all my joy. I thought I hid it from my family and friends but they knew. Now, I am single going on 2 years and I am much happier and so full of joy. God is good.

#10 Michelle Huddle

This is a much needed book! We have 4 daughters that we are trying to raise completely different than the way we were raised. We want them to court instead of date -- to see their future spouse thru God's eyes instead of thru our eyes. It is so hard when the culture is throwing stuff at us left and right with movies, songs, tv shows -- all saying if you love him then it is okay. So sad. I would love to win the book so I can be better equipped to handle these issues when they come up with our daughters.

#11 Angela Brown

Deb,
Thanks so much for writing a practical as well as a spiritual look at marriage relationships and dating. After 42 years of marriage, I can truthfully say, only God can keep us honest with ourselves and with each other. Change in our loved ones usually starts in our own hearts!
Blessings,
Angela B.

#12 Cherise Bopape — http://www.cherisebopape.authorweblog.com/

Deborah, this is wonderful advice for women. Just yesterday, I received a message from one of my blog readers who wanted encouragement. She'd suffered for years in an abusive relationship.

I placed a link to your interview from my site. Hopefully, this mother (and many others) will gain some insight, as a result. What a blessing you've been.

#13 Anonymous

I just read your interview with Deb, and I know there's a lot I could share. You don't have to enter me into the drawing for her book; I'm already in counseling, and reading multiple books, like Captivating and Boundaries. Suffice it to say, the Lord has taken me on quite a journey over the last 18 months, and it is multi-faceted, and includes struggles between me and my husband of almost 25 years. As my National Novel Writing Month challenge this past November, I even wrote about all that's been going on. The journey began with God showing me that I really didn't understand what it meant to be cherished by Him; it continued with many discoveries -- that my husband has battled with pornography for years, that I had suppressed memories of being molested as a child, that the comments and the actions of my parents (especially my alcoholic dad) caused me to have no sense of self worth, and built in me a fear of confrontation, that I don't have a healthy sense of boundaries in
relationships, that I changed my major to a completely wrong choice in college.... the list goes on and on. Like I said, it's been quite the journey.

I am now in a better place, both emotionally and spiritually, but I know I still have miles to go before I sleep! My relationship with the Lord is sweeter than it's ever been, my sense of self and who God has called me to be is stronger than it's ever been, my relationship to my husband is changing, hopefully to become stronger than it's ever been (he has a lot of baggage to deal with too, and right now he's not doing that, but I can't change him, right?). So things are good, and getting better.

Sorry I made this so long, but reading Deb's comment really struck a chord with me. Yes, I was stupid in love in a lot of ways. But I am where I am, and I have to go on from here, right? And I believe God can make my life, my marriage, and my future into what they are supposed to be.

God bless you! Your blog always speaks to me. I appreciate you and your faithfulness to minister God's Love in this way!

#14 Brenda Nixon — http://www.BrendaNixon.com

Great interview and advice! I like the closing comments: Stop looking at men as the answers to your problems in life. Allow God to help you solve your problems, and then He might bless you with a good man, or start working in the heart of the man you already have!

As a mom of two (single) daughters, I'd like to win this book. Thanks Vonda & Deb

#15 Catherine Young

Hmm, Stupid about Men, as I read this I kept thinking about my life in terms of romance. This is the second time in the last 10 years that a book / author has recommended a man fast.” I laughed 10 years ago, since it had been almost 12 years since I had a serious encounter with a man, ie one that I thought may lead somewhere. And that was primarily a long distance romance, lasting only a month. So as I read the article, I wondered, 'What about me?'

As with many women, I too dream of romance and struggle with the loneliness that being single brings. So, I am curious about how Ms. Dunn addresses the single woman, who struggles with that feeling of being an old maid that no man wanted.

As I write that this, God is prompting me to remember that His is the greatest romance that I will ever have. But. . .

My perpetual struggle is: If no man wants me, why would the God of the Universe love me?

#16 Yvonne

Excellent interview. Women can profit from reading this book to be sure they have their priorities in order, that God comes first, and that they focus on all God wants them to be and do.

#17 Susan Dollyhigh

Wonderful advice. I'd love a copy of Stupid about Men.

#18 vikas — http://www.christianwalktoday.com

Hi!This is awesome views about Christian Men.Thanks for reading.

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