January 6, 2009

By Vonda Skelton

Posted in: Ramblings | Christian Living | Jesus

Smoke Signals

I hate tobacco smoke. I hate the way it smells, the way it permeates my clothes and hair, and especially the way it kills. But in this season of my life as a caregiver, cigarette smoke has taken on a new and positive role-as a way to communicate with my terminally-ill sister, Gail.

The doctor gave us the bad news six days before Christmas. There was nothing more they could do and my sister had "weeks to months" to live. Three days later my sister and mother moved in with my husband and me. Together, we would love Gail and care for her and make her final days as comfortable as possible.

smokingmatchlargeThere was one little problem: Gail is a smoker. The problem was complicated by the fact that we can't leave her alone-even for a moment-and my mother has asthma and cigarette smoke is one of her triggers. So even though I hate cigarette smoke, that means I have to be the primary patio-smoke-partner. After all, inhaling secondhand cigarette smoke for a few weeks won't likely kill me. Mother could die from an asthma attack.

Our first night out, I wiped down the dirty, wet patio chairs and bundled us up in warm winter coats, hats, and gloves. With her catheter bag hanging from her walker, my sister toddled to the door and I held her steady as we maneuvered the step down to the deck. Our warm breath created whirls of smoke in the frigid air before the first cigarette was ever lit. After safely seating her in the chair, I handed her the Marlboros. Her hands shook as she retrieved a cigarette from the pack and placed it between her pale lips. She flicked the lighter. Nothing. She tried again. Nothing. I removed my gloves, took the lighter, and gave it a flick. Still nothing. I ran back into the house, grabbed the long-nosed grill lighter, and positioned it under the stick of tobacco. Flick! The dirty deed was done. I was hired.

We sisters sat in the cold mist and faced the awkward night together. She puffed and I talked about grandkids, the economy, and how to get four meals out of a chicken. Two cigarettes later I was shivering and reeking of smoke. I helped my sister out of the chair and back into the warm house. I'd done my job.

An hour later, we did it all again. I could feel the resentment rising as I coughed and shivered in the cold rain. Not exactly my idea of quality sister time.

Four days later, my attitude had totally changed. Oh, I still hate cigarettes. I still hate the way it smells, the way it permeates my clothes and hair, and especially the way it kills. But I love the way my sister opens up and talks while we're out on the deck. Yes, much of it is medication and illness-induced confusion and confabulation. But there are times the conversation centers on gut-wrenching hurts and pleading apologies and faith-affirming questions about her new Lord. We've shared our disappointments in ourselves and others. We've shared the celebrations we missed. We've shared a mutual heartache for the years we lost as sisters. And even though the cigarettes remain a sore spot (How can it possibly be time to go out there AGAIN???), they've become a source of communication between two sisters who never had much in common. And whether the communication is written or spoken or simply sent up in smoke signals, the message is the same: Jesus loves you. I love you. I'm glad we're here.

She cries and puffs. I cry and cough. The words float among the smokelambsphotolarge swirls...and we have another day of life together.

Luke 15:2 tells us that Jesus "...welcomes sinners and eats with them." I have a feeling He'd sit out on the deck and breathe the smoke-filled air with my sister. He'd probably flick the lighter, too. 

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And now, as we face a world of hurting people who need the words of a loving Savior, I'm reminded of the challenge Paul gave us in 1 Corinthians:

Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized-whoever. I didn't take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ-but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I've become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn't just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it! 1 Corinthians 9:21-23 (The Message)

I pray God's blessing on the work of your hands and your hearts,

Vonda

(Photos coutesy of ChristianPhotos.net)

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27 Comments

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#1 Cynthia Lovely

Vonda, how beautifully written. My prayers are with you, your sister, and your family
at this time. They are bittersweet times- God will give you all the strength you need from day to day.
-Cynthia

#2 Vonda Skelton

Thank you for your kind words, Cynthia. Yes, I'm so blessed to have this time with Gail.

 

#3 Karen — http://www.christianspeakerservices.com/CSS_skelton_vonda.htm

Vonda,

Okay...so now I understand why you lost your voice...sitting out in the rain. What a blessing you are to your sister!

You'll never be able to walk by a pack of Marlboros, a lighter, or smell cigarette smoke without remembering this special time together.

Continued prayers for you and your family.

#4 Jo Ann Fore — http://www.JoAnnFore.com

Vonda,
What a precious, transparent story. Thank you so much for your authenticity and your love for your sister.

Praying for you and your family.

Blessings,
Jo Ann

#5 Angela Brown

Vonda, thanks so much for sharing such an intimate part of your life with us. Loving in the midst of heart-breaking circumstances just isn't possible without the Lord. Thank you for reminding us that we have to step out in faith many times before our emotions follow the Spirit's lead. My prayers are with you and your family during this time. Blessings of comfort and peace to you all.
Angela

#6 Vonda Henthorne

Vonda, I too, found myself in the position of a guilt ridden flicker and even worse, cigerette purchaser. My sisters considered me a conspirator to my beloved father's awful habit, before he passed away in July of 2006. The last few months of his life were a blessed time for myself, my sisters and most of all for my ill father. He regained trust in humanity, received unconditional love of his daughters and renewed his relationship with a forgiving savior, whom he had abandoned decades ago. God bless you and your sister in this tender time! Love and understanding from a fellow flicker.

#7 Maria

Hey Vonda... great story! I am whole heartedly with you on the cigarette smoke... YUCK! Tony's mother passed away 4 years ago and she was a heavy smoker. Although no one in my house smokes or even any of my closest neighbors, on occasion Tony and/or I will smell cigarette smoke in our house....weird. We have both come to the conclusion that it's Meme letting us know that she is still around. I also think a little differntly about cigarette smoke now.

#8 Michele Reeves

My sister...you are amazing and God's light is shining through you. I thank HIM for this time you get to spend with Gail. God is faithful and so good to us. Thank you for sharing this in a way that makes us feel like we are there with you. Thank for your transparency...

Love you!
Michele

#9 Pam

Vonda,
You are truly an amazing sister. You have not only opened your home (patio included) to your mom & sis, but you are loving her the way Jesus would. Unconditionally. Even though she has not given up her vices... you & Jesus are loving her & creating memories that you would have never had another way. Hugs & blessings to you my friend. Way to be His hands & feet to Gail.

#10 Marlyn Dyer

While I did not light her cigarettes, I remember Cindy choosing this vice while going through leukemia treatments. When I asked her doctor about it, he said, If that is the way she is dealing with this, don't worry about it. We will deal with that later. If smoking is Gail's way of dealing with her terminal illness and death, then look over, around or through the smoke and acknowledge her as a beautiful precious gift of God. Thank you for your special story. I thank God for your time together. Love you!

#11 Susan Dollyhigh

Hey Vonda,
I'm praying that His grace will be sufficient for you and your family as you walk through these bittersweet and challenging days.
Blessings to you,
Susan Dollyhigh

#12 Jean Hall — http://www.jeanmatthewhallwords.blogspot.com

Vonda,
I recently read an interesting & provocative book /11/ by Leonard Sweet. In one chapter he talks about the huge relational distance between the rich and the poor. He says we asuage our rich consciences by donating anonymously to worthy causes to help the poor, but seldom get down in the dirt and build relationships with them. He says, It is one thing to have a heart for the poor. It is another to use their bathroom... We treat the poor as anonymous recipients of charity rather than engage them as equals. (page 192)

I think the same principle applies to your story here. It's one thing to think we love someone in spite of their faults, and quite another thing to prove it by lighting her cigarettes.

I believe Jesus demonstrated to us repeatedly that in those tough places of life He chose people over principles. I think your story shows us that you are learning to do that, too.

We all need to follow your example.

Jean

#13 Terri Spears

My dear friend...this is beautiful! I am blessed by your words and am thankful with and for you that God has used a worldly vice (smoking) to bring not only sisters biologically but now spiritually together. Isn't that just like Him? I love you and will continue to lift your family up to Him!

#14 Ann Wayne

Vonda, my dear sister...I can relate to what you are going through. In 1997 my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She, too, was a very heavy smoker and her sister who came to stay with her. The house wreaked with cigarette smoke each day when I walked in to help out while my kids were in school. As I entered the door, I asked God to give me the grace to enter in this whirl of dreaded smoke - to which I was allergic. My eyes watered, my ears tingled and my skin crawled. But I had no choice but to be in this environment for 6 months. Each day when I came home, I would go in the laundry room and take off my clothes that were saturated with smoke. I couldn't wait to get to the shower and wash my hair. But here's the blessing. Through these 6 months - my mother's dysfunctional relationships with the family were healed. She died very peacefully and we were reconciled. May God give you the same grace and peace during this time. My love and prayers for your family.
Love,
Ann

#15 Robin Bryce — http://www.RobinBryce.com/connect

WOW! Vonda, . . . wow. This is the best post! Wow. Thank you for sharing your struggle, your pain, and your victory.

#16 Vonda Skelton

Oh my. I am blown away by your words of encouragement. Thank you all for taking the time to write your thoughts and experiences. I love all the examples you've shared. And the book recommendation is right on target! As one of you said, it's all about being the hands and feet of Jesus. Not exactly what I had in mind when I told the Lord I'd go wherever He wanted me to go. This has given new meaning to the concept that in order to be in ministry, we only have to go as far as our backyards...literally.

Thank you again. God's blessing on each of you,

Vonda

#17 Kim Sprayberry

Vonda, What a precious story. You are such a dear, sweet woman of God. Thank you for allowing Him to speak through you. You may never know how many lives you effect by your transparency. I love you. Kim

#18 Emme Gannon

My precious Vonda:

Thank you for sharing your heart, and how Jesus' love permeates through smoke screens. Oh, did that speak to me. I love order, but Jesus knows life sometimes isn't orderly. He was even born in a dirty barn, for goodness sakes. He gets dirty so we can get clean. That's just what you're doing, dear Vonda. Bless you for that.

#19 Cheryl Barker — http://cherylbarker.blogspot.com/

Vonda, what a beautiful picture you have painted with your words -- and your life. Amazing what God can empower us to do, huh? May He continue to bless and strengthen you as you care for and love your sister.

#20 Vanessa

What can I add that hasn't been said already? You are a blessing to countless souls. I also believe you are being blessed in this time with your Sister as well. What a humbling and enormous gift you both have been given. I continue to pray for peace on you, your family and your home. Look what the Lord has done!

With much love, Vanessa

#21 Jo Rae Johnson

Precious friend, Your story reminded me of my final moments with my own father, a man who died at 59 of COPD. You inspire me! Love is not a sanitary endeavor but a messy and often stinky business. Thanks for reminding us that God sees us through our smoke screens and rescues us from the fire. I love ya, girl.

#22 Melony — http://www.melonybrown.com

Wow! What more can be said? Your story touches the heart. I am so thankful that God has given both of you the opportunity to build a relationship. You will cherish those memories. My prayers continue to be with you and Gail. I love you!

#23 Gina Stinson — http://www.journalinggina.blogspot.com

Thank you for being Jesus to your sister. Loving her, despite the smoke, is such a picture of how Jesus loves us. I'll be praying for you as you care and minister to her during these days.

#24 Kimberli — http://carolinatrails.blogspot.com

A shining example that caregiving is a labor of love. Thank you for sharing this precious story.

#25 Renae — http://www.renaebrumbaugh.com

Vonda, what a beautiful picture of love you are painting. The hard kind of love! I agree with Jean - Jesus always chose people over principles, and you are doing that every time you sit out on the deck with her. You're loving her with the rare, pure kind of love of Christ. And, dear sister, you are loving Christ. When you do this for your sister, you are doing it for Christ . . .

Praying for you!

#26 Jean Davis

Dear Vonda,

You've been on my heart lately, and now I know why. My heart aches for you. Blessings, blessings, blessings. I'd love to be able to give you a hug. (((Vonda)))

Jean Davis

#27 Vonda Skelton

Thank you so much!

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