April 29, 2008
By Vonda Skelton
Posted in: Christian Living | Writing Instruction | Women's Ministry | Interviews
- Interview and Book Give Away with Allison Bottke
-
April 29, 2008
The SWAT team left a horrible mess in their wake...Glass cracked under my feet like ice on a frozen pond, ready to break and suck me down...The rancid smell of alcohol and stale cigarette smoke hung in the air...Assaulted and plundered, the house was in ruins--my heart not far behind.
Vonda: These gut-wrenching words open Allison Bottke's new book, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents. And as you can see from these few lines, this is a gripping book. A book
of pain and heartache, and yet, a book of hope and healing. I pray you find hope today as you read my interview with Allison. (After reading the interview, be sure to leave a comment and you'll be automatically entered in the drawing for a free copy of Allison's book.) First, let me say I am privileged to count Allison Bottke as a friend and sister. She is the general editor of the popular God Allows U-Turns series, and the God Answers Prayer series, and has written or edited more than 23 non-fiction and fiction books. She is in frequent demand as a speaker and has been featured on The 700 Club, Decision Today, and numerous other radio and television programs. You can visit her at www.AllisonBottke.com or www.SanitySupport.com .
Welcome to The Christian Writer's Den, Allison. Thank you for joining us today.
Allison: Thank you for having me.
Vonda: Allison, your book comes out of your own personal experience with your son. Please tell us about that.
Allison: For years I really thought I was helping my son. I wanted him to have the things I never had growing up. I love my son, and I didn't want him to hurt--but sometimes pain is a natural result of the choices we make. For a long time I didn't understand the part I was playing in the ongoing drama that had become my son's life--I didn't understand that I didn't have to live in constant chaos and crisis because of his choices. When I chose to stop the insanity and start living a life of hope and healing my life changed. It's a feeling I want other struggling parents and grandparents to experience. I want other parents to know that change is possible when we choose to stop the destructive cycle of enabling. And we can stop it. I know, because I've done it.
Vonda: How can we determine whether we are helping versus enabling our children?
Allison: Helping is doing something for someone that he is not capable of doing himself.
Enabling is doing for someone things that he could and should be doing himself.
An enabler is a person who recognizes that a negative circumstance is occurring on a regular basis and yet continues to enable the person with the problem to persist with his detrimental behaviors. Simply, enabling creates an atmosphere in which our adult children can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior.
Vonda: You say the main problem with dysfunctional adult children isn't the choice they make or don't make - but something else entirely. If their choices aren't the main problem, what is?
ALLISON: Our biggest problem isn't about our adult child's inability to wake up when their alarm clock rings, or their inability to keep a schedule, or their inability to hold down a job or pay their bills. It's not about their drug use or alcohol addictions. It's not about the mess they're making of their life. The main problem is about the part we're playing in stepping in to soften the blow of the consequences that come from the choices they make. The main problem is us. Instead of praying to God to stop the pain, remove the difficulty, or change the life of our adult child, we must rise up and pray for something entirely different. We must pray for the courage to look deep in our own heart and soul--pray for the strength to begin a journey that quite possibly may change our own life--and pray for the wisdom to make new choices in our own lifeVonda: What does this book accomplish that other books on the topic do not?
Allison: Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children will empower readers with a no holds barred six step S.A.N.I.T.Y. format, stating in black and white the parental behaviors that must STOP, along with identifying new habits to implement if change is to occur. Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children will identify the false conceptions parents believe about themselves and their adult children and will counter each lie of captivity with the truth that setting boundaries is not only a good thing--but a vital part of hope and healing. True stories from other enabling parents and grandparents are woven throughout the chapters. Discussions with and observations from licensed psychologists and psychiatrists are also included.
Vonda: What are the six steps for hope and healing you refer to in Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children?
Allison: S.A.N.I.T.Y. Six Steps for Regaining a Healthy Relationship with Adult Children
S = STOP Enabling, STOP Blaming Yourself, and STOP the Flow of Money
A = Assemble a Support Group
N = Nip Excuses in the Bud
I = Implement Rules/Boundaries
T = Trust Your Instincts
Y = Yield Everything to the Higher Power of God (Surrender)Vonda: Tell us about the S.A.N.I.T.Y. Support Group Network you founded. How can people get involved?
Allison: The "A" step in S.A.N.I.T.Y. is to ASSEMBLE a support group. This is a vital component in being able to look at our situations more objectively. We have developed a powerful Companion Study Guide that can be read individually or in a group setting. This Companion Study Guide contains all the information you need to conduct a S.A.N.I.T.Y. Support group in your neighborhood or community. Visit our web site here to find out more: http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm.
The S.A.N.I.T.Y. Support Group Network is a powerful resource to help parents and grandparents who have challenging adult children gain S.A.N.I.T.Y. in a world spinning out of control. During the years I spent as an enabling parent there were no support groups available for me as a parent in pain. Although it's a tremendously successful program, AA wasn't quite right for me, and I attended a few Alanon meetings, but the kind of empowering strength I needed for my situation wasn't available. I needed to hear from others who had walked in my shoes--I needed to hear what they were doing that worked. I needed people around me who would lovingly hold me accountable to my own choices as I experienced the journey of parenting and enabling a dysfunctional adult child. I needed an action plan to help me make changes in my life.
I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt as I was writing Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Child that a vital part of the outreach would be the development of an international support group network based on the six S.A.N.I.T.Y. steps I had developed.
We need a resource that can help us to set appropriate boundaries and get some S.A.N.I.TY. in our households, as well as assuring us that we are walking in God's will. Following the steps outlined in Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Child is a start in addressing this issue. Attending, and/or facilitating a S.A.N.I.T.Y. Support Group in your community is the next vital step in gaining hope as you walk the often painful path to healing.
Vonda: Where can readers go for more information on your book and on the S.A.N.I.T.Y. ministry?
Allison: Everything you could possibly need is contained on our web site at: http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm.
I encourage your readers to tell me what they think about Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. I really do want to hear reader feedback. They can reach me at: SettingBoundaries@SanitySupport.com. And they'll want to visit our web site at http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm where they will find additional resources for helping them on their road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. Remember to tell a friend in need and help save a life!
Vonda: Thank you, Allison, for sharing your story and your message with us today. I know there are readers out there, whether parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, or friends, who want to help. Your words will guide them to the steps they need to make a real difference in the lives of their loved ones. Thank you.
And readers, I hope that you will post a prayer request for the one in your life who needs help. We have a team of pray-ers who will lift you both up to the Father. Every person who posts a comment or prayer request will be automatically entered into the drawing for a free book. Deadline is Sunday, May 4. The winner will be announced in next Tuesday's post.
I hope these words from Isaiah will encourage you today:
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. Isaiah 43:2-3
I pray God's blessing on the work of your hands and your hearts,
Vonda
17 Comments
| Add a Comment- #1 Renae — http://www.renaebrumbaugh.com
Sounds like a great book, Allison, with real life-changing potential. I'll spread the word!
--renae :-)
- #2 Diane — http://prayingforaprodigal.blogspot.com
Hi!
I'm just checking in, following Allison's Blog tour this month. What a great book! My blog is dedicated to Praying for Prodigals...and I jumped at the chance to be part of this tour to make it known that this great book is now available. Our prodigal is 26 years old...and know from personal experience that Setting Boundaries....is going to make a real difference in the lives of parents who are just beginning the struggle of parenting an adult child. And it certainly has provided a healthy dose of hope and accountability in my life. Allison is right on in her approach to S.A.N.I.T.Y; this acronym is easy to remember but hard to live out! Her book offers a compassionate challenge to stay the course. This alone will be a valuable outreach to so many who feel that they are suffering alone.
Blessings!
Diane
- #4 SHERRY CAMPBELL
The pain never seems to end when you watch your son destroy his life and causes so much hurt in the lives of those who care about him.
Being an enabler sometimes you feel as if the world is against you because you love your child. I recognize I need to overcome this misconception.
I can't wait to get Allison's book on a subject the shrouds my heart.
- #6 Jo Ann Fore — http://www.JoAnnFore.com
Great insight. And, as God would have it, quite timely.
Thanks for sharing ladies!
Blessings,
Jo Ann- #8 Jean Hall — http://www.jeanmatthewhall.blogspot.com
Please pray for my sister, Rose, her adult daughter, and 2 grandsons.
- #10 Christy
Please add my daughter to your prayers ~ we have struggled for the last 10 years with her choices. She claims to be happy but we are saddened and burdened by the choices she has made and the consequences they have brought.
Allison's book sounds very inspirational and helpful.
- #12 Shelly Moran
I can relate so well to Sherry's comment that we parents often feel the whole world is against us when our child is acting wrongly. I wanted to defend my son, convince the world he had a good heart, was just confused--in fact if I hadn't allowed him to witness marital strife, hadn't gotten divorced, hadn't moved into those low-class apartments...well, of course it was all my fault and I had to help him out of it! We are doing better, but the SANITY acronymn is extremely appropriate not only to TRULY help the child, but also to heal ourselves. I will try to include the above requests in my prayers. This walk hurts!
- #14 Abi B — http://myheartbelongs2books.blogspot.com/
Oh, I've heard this was a good book. Loved the interview now I really want to win it. I'll read it then add it to our church library if I win it. Please include me in the drawing. I'd love to win it.
- #16 Marlyn
I am probably too late for the drawing, but rest assured I will seek a supplier for this book. An interesting, close-to-home topic that needs to be addressed!!!! Thank you for your revelations. Love the acronym. Have copied it and taped it to my computer screen. Thanks
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